Read my lips 'Its Getting More Expensive' to be a broke ass actor...

Yeah you heard me. ShowtimeLA said it first.

The latest criteria by which high rolling fake @$$ wannabe producers/writers/directors/casting directors are NOT calling in actors is whether or not they have a demo reel, a fake demo reel or real demo reel...they just need to make sure that your ugly fat ass looks decent on film. Because 99% of us choose the best headshots to represent ourselves and then show up on the dailies looking like a bunch of slack-jawed pedophiles, we are increasingly being required to have some footage on our profiles, it should be 1-3 minutes OF PRIME SHIT. Be objective. Do not demo 'Your best work' (i.e. relatively decent cuts) if your work sucks cock.

Allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is Failure--O!!!

So heres the muthascratchin actors quick-guide handbook for what you need to get started on your long, hard and desolate dead end road to acting failure:

1. The Headshot - The actors face. What you look like. Casting directors needed to know that you are a blonde with blue eyes and a jaw line to suck on, not some busted set of meat wheels.

2. The (fake?) resume - On the back of the headshot, write your credits. Yeah, no one cares unless they are real credits because they can't be verified except with tape, and if the tape was good and marketable it would be submitted to imdb and put on the festival circuit. Anyway, if you don't have real credits, go and mix and match names of films, and mix and match names of directors ("Star Blogs 2: A Showtime Hope Director Max Spielberg").... no one cares, you are guilty until innocent...the films do not exist until they are viewed by a paying public (cause its show business).

2a. The real resume - When you start racking up IMDB-verifiable credits, replace those shit-eating tosser films that you did as a young actor, that you did just to 'sharpen your craft' (yeah right!).

3. The (fake?) Demo Reel - Okay, I have done 30-40 maybe 50 projects, seriously. I can use the footage on 3 or 4 max. I still do not have enough time for a great demo so I may end up going to a reel-faker. Yeah its "dishonest" but this acting game is just that and you have to game the system. So if you do not have footage, pay the $400 to get a fake demo reel, trust me: there is no nobility in waiting 10 years to get an authenticate great collection of your work together, when you could dupe Hollywood now and be on your way to snorting coke off the tender chestical of the next never-will-be while getting blown by her roommate, Antoine.

4. The real Demo Reel - Again, once those real IMDB-verifiable credits start coming in, once you start having roles in award winning films (regional, national, international), tv, features, indies etc, you can replace those canned post-coital breakup scenes (see #3) with authentic brilliant work.

Disclaimer: I am a complete hollywood failure, and a complete loser, but I know one thing... Hollywood is a game, you can either game the system or the system can game you. Don't miss your chance at an oscar because you attempted the noble approach to an ignoble industry. Fuck Hollywood.

Its Showtime!!!